Sidelines and Sessions

2010/06/21

Direction

Filed under: Uncategorized — spsukaton @ 9:59 am

I haz it. Or doez I?

“Purpose,” “direction,” and “vocation” have been all up in my face recently, for a variety of reasons – Avenue Q on my iPod on repeat, for one. But seriously…

My dad confronted me on my occasional laziness, saying “you need to light a fire under your own ass now.” While I know I come off as one of the scrappier, more ambitious collegians in my friends’ lives, it’s times and talk like the previous one that scare me – am I really ready for the world?

I’m 21 and (if I wanted) 2 classes away from graduation. Being at an age where I could possible slip into venality, obscurity, or starvation by my own stupidity has also sobered me. Adventists combine the Protestant work ethic with an occasionally terrifying awareness of a final reckoning, and the thought that my life may not be righteous (not glorious, not famous, not even useful, but righteous) gives me serious pause.

Finally, the passing of a mentor has also shaken me, particularly after all that I’ve learned about his life and how he found his calling so young. What the hell am I doing? I don’t know how much sand I left in my hourglass, and, deep down, I still believe (and probably always will) in the Last Judgment.

What’s a man to do? I kind of stop in shock in realizing that, in the eyes of God and Caesar, that’s what I am.

I pray for work – meaningful work, work with a purpose and with integrity.

A freelance writer (and starve?)

A journalist (with Bagdikian and Moyers’s comments about the brokenness of contemporary media in mind?)

A saxophonist? (Is that even still possible?)

A minister/theologian/evangelist (even with my life and lifestyle? Do I want to put my family through that?)

A professor? (Can I even wait that long?!)

A political activist or organizer (even if that may lead me away from the anti-union, apolitical church I love?)

What is to be done?

I feel like an amateur poker player who’s been dealt two aces, but doesn’t have anything else on the table – but has just been pushed to go all in.

I need to spend summer and fall sorting my cards out. Heaven help me.

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1 Comment »

  1. You have too many options! I guess all I can say is: Go where your heart tells you.

    Comment by Leilani — 2010/07/06 @ 1:59 am


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